How to Bring Out the Best in a Struggling Team Member
I had three different coaching conversations this month where leaders complained about the same thing. They each mentioned that their direct reports just aren’t stepping up. I heard comments like:
- “She’s not taking initiative.”
- “He keeps missing deadlines.”
- “They’re just not engaged.”
There are two issues at play here.
Firstly, these leaders need to get their team members aligned.
Secondly, I noticed that when discussing these issues, there was a whole lot of pent-up frustration!
For example, one of my clients, let’s call her Maggie, was particularly frustrated with a team member. Maggie told me that every interaction she has with this person feels like pulling teeth. The employee seems disengaged, and Maggie was at her wits’ end.
So here’s what I asked her:
“Do you think that your level of frustration is impacting your relationship with this person?”
Maggie paused. She paused for quite a while.
Then said “Yes”.
So, for the rest of our conversation, we talked about energy.
Yes energy!!
Why?
Well, because the energy that you bring to every relationship shapes what you receive in return.
Maggie was bringing frustration and stress into every conversation with this person. And guess what? That’s exactly what she was getting back.
We all do this sometimes.
Perhaps you have done this when someone wasn’t meeting your expectations.
The Energy Shift That Actually Works
Instead of approaching your “difficult” team member from a place of frustration, try approaching them from a place of curiosity and support.
Instead of thinking: “What can you do to support me?”
Try thinking: “What can I do to help and support you?”
This isn’t about being soft or lowering your standards. It’s about being strategic.
When you shift your energy from frustration to genuine curiosity, you create space for real conversation.
You might discover that your “disengaged” employee is actually overwhelmed, unclear about priorities, or dealing with something you didn’t know about.
How to Make This Shift in Practice
Before your next challenging conversation, ask yourself:
- What energy am I bringing into this interaction?
- How might my frustration be affecting this person’s performance?
- What support might they actually need from me?
Then approach the conversation with genuine curiosity:
- “Help me understand what’s getting in your way.”
- “What support do you need to be successful?”
- “What obstacles can I help remove?”
Why This Improves Performance
When you approach team members from a place of support rather than frustration, they stop being defensive and start being honest. They share the real barriers they’re facing.
And suddenly, you can solve the problems that are affecting their performance.
My client tried this approach with her “difficult” employee.
Within two weeks, she discovered the person was struggling with unclear priorities and conflicting demands from other departments.
Once they addressed these issues together, performance improved dramatically.
The relationship you have with your team members is largely determined by the energy you bring to it.
If you’re consistently frustrated, they’ll feel that. If you’re genuinely interested in their success, they’ll feel that too.
The question is: Which energy are you choosing to bring?
