Are You Aggressive, Passive, or Assertive? Your Conflict Style Matters

I recently had a conversation with a client who is navigating a conflict with a colleague.

She said to me, “I feel like this conflict is a personal failure”.

I was so sad that she felt that way because the truth is that we all have conflicts.

Conflict is normal.

I moderate conflict with people at work ALL THE TIME!!!

I talk to leaders who are managing conflict with a direct report.

I speak to people who are navigating a conflict with a peer.

I promise you I have seen it all!

Let me reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you when you are in conflict. It is certainly not a personal failure.

There is even a term called “healthy conflict”.

High-performing teams engage in healthy conflict regularly.

They debate ideas openly. They challenge each other. They don’t hold back.

The difference is that a high-performing team knows how to handle conflict.

So, the real question isn’t “How do you avoid conflict?”

The question is, “How do you de-escalate it when things get heated?”

Determining Your Conflict Style

We all handle conflict differently, depending on our personalities and work styles.

Some people tend to be very aggressive, while other people can be really passive and ignore the issues at hand. Both of these approaches make things worse.

If you are aggressive when conflict hits, you might:

• Turn every debate into a win-lose situation
• Refuse to budge on your position
• Get impatient or dismissive
• Talk over people
• Let your emotions take over

If you are passive when conflict hits, you might:

• Get overly critical of yourself or others
• Overthink the situation without actually solving it
• Avoid the problem altogether
• Give in just to keep the peace
• Let resentment build under the surface

Neither works.

Both escalate the conflict instead of resolving it.

The Better Approach: Be Assertive

Here’s what actually works when conflict shows up.

You need to be assertive.

Here are four ways to de-escalate conflict effectively and assertively:

• Acknowledge the tough stuff openly. Don’t pretend the issue doesn’t exist. Name it.
• Show empathy and encourage dialogue. Make it safe for people to say what they’re actually thinking.
• Listen to find a win-win. Stop trying to win the argument. Start trying to solve the problem together.
• Stick to facts, not emotions. Don’t make it personal. Keep it about the situation, not the person.

When Conflict Shows Up (And It Will)

The reality is that you will face conflict! The real test is whether you handle it in a way that strengthens your relationships or damages them.

Healthy conflict builds trust. It makes teams stronger.

But only if you know how to manage it.

So next time conflict arises, ask yourself: Am I being aggressive, passive or assertive?

Your answer will determine what happens next.

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