The Feedback That Hurt My Feelings (And Changed Me as a Leader)
Years ago, I was sitting in a team meeting when my new boss announced changes to our compensation plan.
Nobody in the room was happy with this announcement.
As she spoke, I turned to a colleague and rolled my eyes.
My boss saw me. Yikes!!
After the meeting, she pulled me into her office and told me that my behaviour was inappropriate and unprofessional.
I was embarrassed and quite frankly, I was appalled at her audacity to give me this feedback! My ego was bruised big time.
For a few days, I replayed the conversation in my head. Then I realized something important!
She was right.
She had pointed out a blind spot that I couldn’t see myself.
I’m naturally expressive. My face often reveals exactly what I’m thinking. While that can be a strength, there are times when I need to be more intentional about the message that I am sending both verbally and non-verbally.
The feedback stung, but it also helped me grow. As my client Nikki always says, “fix your face.” That day I learned that I really do need to “fix my face” to be more professional.
So, let’s talk about constructive feedback.
Years later, upon reflection, I was actually impressed with this leader for being so direct. She could have ignored my behaviour and labelled me as unprofessional. Instead, she gave me a chance to learn and grow.
As a leader, I’m sure you can think of a situation where someone needs feedback, but you are avoiding this conversation.
Why Leaders Avoid Giving Feedback
You may be avoiding it for one of these common reasons:
- You don’t want to hurt their feelings
- You want your team to like you
- You worry the person will become defensive
- You don’t want conflict
- You hope the issue will resolve itself
Unfortunately, avoiding feedback rarely works.
The Cost of Avoiding Feedback
When you avoid giving feedback, the problem usually gets worse.
The performance issue will continue, your frustration will build and your team member will miss the opportunity to improve because nobody has told them what needs to change.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your team is clarity.
Here are four ways to give feedback more effectively:
1. Focus on Behaviour, Not Personality
Describe what you observed instead of labeling the person. Instead of saying, “You’re disorganized,” say, “The last three project updates were submitted after the deadline.”
2. Be Clear and Direct
Many leaders soften feedback so much that the message gets lost. You can be kind and direct at the same time.
3. Give Feedback Early
Small issues are much easier to address than large ones. Don’t wait until you’re frustrated.
4. Focus on Growth
Feedback isn’t about criticizing people. It’s about helping them succeed. When your team members understand that your intention is to support their development, they’re more likely to listen and take action.
Want to Get Better at Giving Feedback?
The strongest leaders aren’t the ones who avoid difficult conversations. They’re the ones who know how to have them effectively.
In The Lead Your People Program, starting September 8, you’ll learn a practical framework and proven techniques for giving constructive feedback, holding people accountable and having difficult conversations with confidence.
Because leadership isn’t about avoiding tough conversations.
It’s about learning how to have them well.
Go here to find out more and register for The Lead Your People Program.
I hope you will join me!
Having the right tools makes these conversations feel a lot less daunting. Here’s what one new manager had to say after going through the program:
“Being a new manager, I feel like the Lead Your People program has given me a solid foundation to start with and build on. I feel less stressed about the idea of being a leader and feel like I have the right tools in order to make the right decisions and be as effective as possible in my manager role.”
Tarvia Henry, Manager Partnerships, Points
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